I literally ate my thanksgiving dinner while getting a lapdance. And honestly, after that, there is no other way.
The bar I'm at just passed out smores to everyone. I don't know what it has to do with cinco de mayo but I'm down.
I just fell down my stairs. I know that you are 6 hours away but please come pick me up. I promise I will still be here on the stairs.
i'll prob lay in bed. its weird not having to track my wallet down, its become such a weekly habit. i suddenly have so much free time
That's cool, I just have to let the dogs out AND SO HELP ME GOD IF YOU TEXT ME BAHA MEN LYRICS WE ARE NOT FRIENDS.
he told me he was a chubby chaser.. then winked. i'm signing up for a gym pass as we speak
You're going to have to buy me a lot of drinks before the bee suit goes on...
I think my vagina is going to steal my keys and drive over there.
Hopefully she would park on my face.
We were trying to sober you with hotdog buns but you refused put half of it in your bra and said you'd save it for later
No more vodka shots for you. Last night you begged a man on your knees to sell you his beard. He had no beard.
WHY DID I INFORM THE ENTIRE BATHROOM I DONT HAVE AN STD?!?!?!!
So the " I'm gay but curious" thing worked. You owe me 50 bucks.
I ordered more beers for everyone but had to finish them all. I promptly went outside and projectile vomited in the street. Three times.
How much weight does it take to launch a cat using a trebuchet vs the tension required for a catapult?
I'll get the most aesthetic strap on, you'll see
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