A girl just told me I should smile because I was surrounded by hot girls. I told her that clearly beauty was in the eye of the beholder. And she slapped me!
i had a dream last night that you and i organized a foursome. swear to god
ps i'll be in miami in early july. this text has no relation to the last one
I just witnessed two drunk midgets fighting over a graham cracker. I can die happy now.
He was sitting cross legged outside his tent repeatedly hitting the ground with a hammer and shouting 'this.is.a.good.idea.'
you literally pushed me forward in the seat so you could puke behind my back without the cabbie noticing..
i've officially fucked a sailor, a policeman and a biker. I've never noticed my Village People fetish until now...
I did the mature thing and subtweeted that bitch. She follows me so she'll see.
How do you explain to a guy that he's like a little puppy dog that you play with, but then leave at the shelter to go home to your German Shepard?
I forced myself to puke in my garbage can, and the next day I bought a new one and burnt the old one. You could say it was a rough night
I have to remind myself to breathe. That hungover.
Yeah, the email that I was sending to get an Escort for the weekend, copied and pasted to my boss, that should be interesting conversation, when I come back from Christmas vacation break.
he BROKE his KNEE while we were getting it on, called 911 and the ambulance that showed up contained two paramedics, ONE WAS HIS FUCKING SISTER!!! HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?!?!
Poor life choices...?
I should stop pointing to my vagina when I say "I'm in charge!"
Double-fisting ice cream and wine. Do not send help.
I think i got beer on your cat.
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