epic walk of shame this morning involving 2 subway transfers. I need to start sexing locally.
words cant express how excited I am to make January 1st our own personal version of The Hangover
I wonder if I could sublet my bathtub to anyone.
the beer staff turned into a beer spear way to quickly
I'm sorry. I know you didn't expect me to be arm deep in vagina when you walked through the door.
remind me to get a blood sugar test this week. I'm pretty sure I'm a mojito away from diabetes.
I think that last shot was nyquil. Please come gte me. WINGS.
I just told a kid I was in a wheelchair because Santa shot me due to me being on the naughty list. You should have seen this little bastards face
You are number one in my heart. But in the dick Olympics you're disqualified.
He called it restless penis syndrome. I call it cheating.
Two people confessed their love to me last night. Drunk is a good color on me
I flashed the bar tender last night. Apparently I wanted a whiskey to go and that was the golden ticket. This is why I never come home
I'm going to bed early so football can come sooner
Jeff brought me a cup of coffee to my desk. He's getting a blow job.
wow wtf man i was the friend bailing you out of jail with 500 cash and you didnt have the common courtesy of waking me up for class when i passed out drunk and naked in the bath tub
Randomize
