the beds are so narrow its like a jenga threesome
In the airport and just saw a little boy put his head in his mother's crotch... I guess he took a whiff because he backed up and said loudly, "mommy your pee-pee is stinky!"
there was a trapeze. enough said
He gave a passionate hug to every tree on the way to my car.
Dude. It just hit me for a second time. My thumbs are huge and moving very quickly. Like stampeding buffalo...
yolo... Doesn't that stand for 'shut the fuck up'?
Highlight of the week: I had sex with a B movie star wearing an eye patch.
I feel like he has a double life, why was he walking around at 3 am with a backpack?
Idk but she keeps giving me s'mores and I'm having a hard time caring about her alcoholism because of it
I'm still getting random messages from guys about my Halloween outfit. Electrical tape is coming back next year
My TA is here with a sombrero and an entire bottle of Svedka. Skip jury duty.
Like actually I will be single and sad and lonely for ever. Cheese will be my life partner. Robot sex is my future.
Let's make this a nightly thing. You'll explain the Watergate scandal like you're telling me a bedtime story while I eat popcorn high as fuck
he was peeing off the deck shouting "urinals are for pussies" that's how much hurricane.
Had a girl with a moustache tattoo on her hand give me a handjob. That shit was classy as fuck. I felt like I should be wearing a monocle or something.
Randomize
