Dogs love guiness but it fucks up their kidneys
you know...the drug dealer i named my baby after.
I just masturbated to the audio from my psych lecture . . . this screwing my prof fantasy is getting serious.
Thanks i'm proud of you and I'm proud of beer and vodka for making me drunk
I was thinking about getting her an edible arrangement for an engagement gift. You want in?
I'm buying her a drink and not telling her to dump his ass. that's my gift.
Really? Uh ohh sounds like a double date with extra stripper funnnn
These pissing matches have to stop. They led to last night's scotch through the nose shots. I'll never smell again.
i showed up sober to class for the first time. my prof said that i was "off my game today". i love philosophy
I need to stop getting in the car with my dad when im rolling balls. I think he's starting to notice my eyes aren't usually completely pupil
Just an FYI if we break up I'm going to sleep with your cousin or who ever my dealer is.
Drunk dialed the ex last nigh; turns out I miss dialed. The stranger who answered played along and apologized for sleeping with my cousin. She sent me a txt this morning to let me know.
Kindest stranger ever. Marry that girl.
Drinking a grey goose and water in a random chair that I found by the road by myself
So there's that.
EXCEPT MY COUSIN SAW MY SEX TAPE!
Oohh. Then yes, he is the Alpha Fuckboy.
I woke up on the couch screaming in pain. I don't know how ended up there or why my foot was double the size. all I know is I'm now in a cast and never drinking tequila again. worst hangover ever.
Randomize
