The good thing about walking home in a dress on sunday morning is that people mistake my walk of shame as a walk to God.
my dad just secretly slid me a nugg in front of my mom. remind me why I moved away for college??
Questioning the dried heart shaped nutella on my boobs. Valentines day has begun.
Every once in a while you'd chuckle to yourself, and when I asked you what's so funny u replied "sometimes my toes tickle eachother"
Theres a live mouse in the toilet. Goddamn you this is why I don't party here
Me and your penis are best friends. You don't know it, but I whisper my secrets whenever I give you blowjobs. We even have a secret handshake. We can't be separated from each other. We just can't.
They have a genuine stripper pole secured to the floor of their living room. I am thoroughly take advantage of it. I've made $5 so far. Why don't more places have poles??!
When you wake up on the bus on 139th but you're staying at 6th
133 to go
I can't possibly be the only person who has ever eaten Cheetos with a spoon to avoid the powder getting in my fingers
On another note I never thought having a drug addicted stalker would prove useful
MY COWORKER IS ATTRACTIVE AND I DROPPED A SONIC THE HEDGEHOG JOKE IN CONVERSATION I FUCKED UP
I made an executive decision to rename my Resume file to something other than MONEYMONEYMONEY.
Finally finished unpacking shit from school n found a bra with no idea whose it is... I miss college so much it hurts sometimes
The list of people who didn't throw up last night is insanely smaller than the list of people who did
So it was a successful night I take it?
you said, "I wonder what your mum is doing right now." in the middle of sex, of course I threw up on you.
Randomize
