Your mom has a birthmark right next to her nipple
Canada is now making docos about life in America. Its called Trailer Park Boys.
Last night Brynn convinced every person at the party wearing glasses that they stole hers, and she woke up with 8 pairs of prescription glasses in her bag.
I've really got to stop smuggling half full bottles of beer out of bars in my purse.
I hate about 85% of people that I meet. I'm an awful person. In reality my only redeeming qualities are my face, my amazing scissoring skills and the fact that children love me.
True on all accounts.
My sister was crawling her way home and kept asking us to carry her,then she insisted on grabbing at our ankles til she passed out, how was your night?
After my mom met Tanner, she literally turned and said "he's from old money, top of his class at Emory, already has doctors courting him for jobs and judging from your vocal performance the other night, he's gifted in bed. Fake a pregnancy right now"
I come from her. Holy hell.
I forgot to tell you. Your neighbor was walking his tiny dog and saw me crawl out of my jeep drunk vomiting and holding onto my bumper. He just said: morning! all friendly.
Actually let's just focus our energy on not getting committed to a psych ward.
Meeting up with one of your students at your drug dealers house is always an awkward moment
On a scale of "huh, that's interesting" to "holy porn stars, batman". How good?
Definitely closer to "holy porn stars, batman".
i am also 80% sure that my shirt glows in the dark.
Who the fuck puts glitter on their vagina? It’s all over my face and crotch.
If it were up to me his wife would never get his penis again, but I guess they have some sort of arrangement
Yes, an arrangement called marriage
He was someone so memorable that I'd completely forgotten he'd existed up to and during the encounter
Randomize
