apparently they started giving me water shots and i couldnt tell the difference
Any particular reason you put 2 smashed up limes in my back pocket last night?
Is it weird if I ask my drug dealer to prom? Be honest.
I think this hangover is going to kill me. If it succeeds I would like you to read a dramatic rendition of 'Trapped in the closet' complete with interpretative dance at my funeral.
I couldn't find the bathroom last night...so I wrapped myself in the curtains and stuck my butt out the window and peed from two stories up. Thank god I don't remember.
I want to miss work tomorrow on account of violent projective vomit... Make it happen
Took me 10 minutes of oral to finally get him hard for like 30 seconds of sex until he came and passed out. Def not worth the ROI.
Funny, 'cause his story is it went great. He faked passing out so he wouldn't have to do anything in return.
Take a good hard look at your life. And the number of 18-20 year olds that you have made out with in the last 6 months... and then keep doing whatever the fuck you want.
I've replaced you with thin mints and masturbation
My greatest achievement in life thus far is being the go to friend when you have questions about butt plugs.
Pretty sure we're going to get a cease & desist notice from the Make A Wish Foundation, but until then...
I just got a rock from a customer. Weirdest. Tip. Ever.
It was bad. U were calling my cat "kittiano" and playing her like a piano. Way too drunk my friend.
There’s a stripper dressed like a slutty pilgrim. Is that a thing?
He showed up at my house drunk with a pizza and said he wanted to lazily finger me while I watched supernatural. Who was I to say no?
Randomize
