I JUST GOT MY PERIOD AND MY VISA FOR LONDON GOT APPROVED! BEST DAY EVER!
First funeral I've ever been to where the cops had to come.
I woke up to an email from Groupon for 3 laser lipo treatments...on Valentine's Day...way to kick me when I'm down Groupon.
his blanket is still in the back seat of my car, its like a constant reminder of his small penis
This time, try to not get fingered in the middle of the living room.
I DIDNT GET FINGERED
I was rubbed
To tired for the bar. Came home and drank wine out of the bottle. Kind of don't want to know what that says about my life.
I had to assert my dominance as Alpha Drunk.
We were walking up the stairs and I asked Dominick what floor the party was on. The cop who had just tried breaking it up was walking down the stairs, drinking a slurpee, and answered, "Third floor."
I don't know whether to be insulted or flattered that I am being propositioned to have a threesome only if I wear my cat onesie
No more bourbon. Sleep now. I may die. Pray for me.
He kept telling me my vagina was a pleasure cave... I ended up just taking it as a complimetn
Would an open wound count as good sex or bad sex?
He brought me a bottle of Jack, got me off 3 times, & then left. This is the best fakelationship ever!
He just took off his shirt. I'll text you later.
All I heard was "sit on my face" "okay" and muffled screaming. I'm still disappointed.
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