This random guy just introduced himself then said "So, I am staying at my friends place and he has a 4 year old, so we should probably go back to your house." WTF kind of vibes do I give off?
Dating a girl 4 years younger than you is like living in a Taylor Swift song...
you started whispering 'the itsy bitsy spider' while you were putting your hands up my shorts.
Goodbye hot boy in my geo class...goodbye my lover, goodbye my friend. you have been the one, you have been the reason I came to claassss
I think I just need to sleep with both of them to see which I want to date.
You just went from promiscuous to slut in 3.2 seconds.
doing shots has become such a natural thing to me that i just instinctively swallowed listerine
We can grow old together and our livers can fail together
She's cute. And her snoring noises remind me of the incidental music from Jaws.
this is the first time in over a year I had a pregnancy scare and actually would have known who the father was. I guess this is what adulthood feels like.
All of my Tinder matches have neck tattoos. It's like God wants me to go to jail again.
When you licked the fourth stranger's cheek the bar tender pretty much ordered us to get you out.
I tried to open a bottle of wine with toenail clippers last night. So this morning was obviously rough.
I noticed while having sex on Friday that I have great endurance. CrossFit works.
Also, asking the guy who just told you he is crippled on edibles to watch your kid is probably frowned upon by most
don't think less of me for this, but i'm pretty sure he did a line off my boob last night.
Randomize
