i'm eating jello out of a teacup with a fork. awesome?
you sent me 45 texts saying "meow?"
did i?
please tell me you remember why "7 days" is written above my bed in red marker
When they arrested me, they gave me a bracelet with my mugshot and info. When you get one they can be our BFF Bracelets.
I just stood up and am wasted. I think I just admitted to my mom that I am trying to fuck everyone in New York because they're skinny and ethnically ambiguous. Meanwhile, happy hour isn't over yet.
Do I like my job? I just bought 1/2 oz of pot from my supervisor at work. At a discount. And he said, "pay me whenever."
Are you aware that you called me "Sexy clit lady" last night?
whose parrot is this?
He came over in a blaze orange vest with a case of beer and a shotgun yelling about "Dove Season" then passed out in the lawn. There he lies
He started to lick a stick of butter and was calling it Jennifer.
how I know last night was a good night: this morning I found a bottle of tapatio, a bag of chicken and a bag of popcorn in my purse.
You had sex with a Scottish dude with a peg leg....how could I NOT tell that story??
New rock bottom. Woke up at 7 am fully clothed in a bathtub full of water. I hate myself.
Okay, let's just all take a step back and think about how funny this will seem in like a year... Maybe 2 if his nose is actually broken.
I just got out of a $280 speeding ticket by acting like The Big Lebowski. Seriously Jeff Bridges is the man.
Randomize
