upper decked the toilet at the restaurant that wouldn't let me pee there yesterday
she was so hammered she started drinking dishwasher detergent
I dont know whats funnier - that, or that we learned that poison control is closed at 2 AM
my secret santa just gave me a pregency test
the vast amounts of cleavage i'm sporting to my final says "no, I didn't study but don't worry I've got something lined up for when I don't graduate".
I am drunk at a castle and it isn't even 3. Europe is amazing.
Did i throw a brick at someone last night?
we cant have a funnel and a dog. thats a lot of responsibility
Just so you know, you're MY booty call. Feel degraded.
I need you to do me a favor and hide my sword from me tonight. I'm planning on drinking my weight in vodka and I don't trust myself enough to not run through campus screaming "I AM SPARTA!" You'll be saving me a mugshot as well as saving some innocent girls from tears.
Technically my penis started a fight tonight
Sit down my child. It's time you were told of my famous loss-of-virginity story entitled, "The Penis that Never Could."
you kept saying how you wanted to mainline bacardi right into your bloodstream. medical school is doing wonderful things to your brain
Is it rude to say "I hate you because you live inside Hillary Clinton's asshole"?
hey. this is your former cousin. you boned my best friend last night.
just made a presentation to 40 students and my professor about morals and ethical issues..still drunk. at 8am. I wish I could remember how it went.
Randomize
