so they made cookies with their faces printed on them...I ate jaime...she tasted like poop
I asked my mother if she peed on that chair, she said "not bad" There is no good level of pee on a chair.
dibs on John Mayer's hood pass
You do realize that we got a stripper to do the YMCA for us on the main stage... Right?
the story is to long to tell you via txt so when you notice the tattoo on your ass call me.
Did you hear me? I HAVE THE CONTENTS OF AN NBA PLAYER'S CONDOM IN MY BEDROOM TRASHCAN!! This shit is potentially worth millions of dollars to a fertile young female who is ovulating. How do I sell it fast??
some people spend their whole lives trying to find their soulmate. who knew mine was hiding in utah successfully balancing a pageant career and a coke habit.
Scary truckers and hobos. These are the men I attract
At the bar, some guy bumped into you and you screamed "hey, don't touch what you can't afford sunshine!"
He seems like a super lonely dude. I bet if I gave him a picture of my tits he wouldn't make me turn in this paper.
I woke up with a hangover and a man bun. Reached over to drink water and accidentally chugged raspberry vodka. So there's that.
I'm literally spending $165 to fly to Arizona to have a sex road trip coming back
I asked him to have birthday sex with me via xbox live
It was like Lady and the Tramp, but just tramp and the tramp. And instead of spaghetti and meatballs, we had whiskey and cups
What use have I for dignity? It just get's in the way of the really fun stuff.
Randomize
