id tell you what to do, but my morals dont exactly scream, "Listen to this guy!"
I want to see you every morning in the kitchen ass naykid on roller blades making pancakes.
Stop sending me these texts. This is your mom, not your girlfriend.
your ex dropped by. you can call me dwight howard, cuz im the king of rebounds
Girl next to me just said "as a guy I used to sweat but not I don't. it's awesome" Oh. My. God.
I'm drunk enough to talk Barbara Walters outta her panties
At my internship. I get drug tested tmr at 2
Are they going to pay you for the one day you worked?
But you wanna know what the sadest part is? I had to smoke on the way back home cause my mom would be suspicious if I wasn't high after I was supposedly hanging out with you.
Sorry I pulled the thermostat off the wall..
you were crying saying "if you love me you will find me a loaf of bread"
I dressed up as a "typical white girl" which meant I wore my yoga pants and uggs all night. BEST. IDEA. EVER. Most comfy halloween everrrr.
And I'm sorry for punching you in the face when I drunkenly threw my sandwich
Simultaneously sexting while making brunch plans. Multitasking at its gayest.
I think she tried to suffocate me with her tits...she almost succeeded.
I'm just waking up. I awoke in a towel (I must have showered at some point),i also found a half eaten McChicken in my bed and vomit in the toilet. Seems like I'm winning at life
I dont pretend to understand how the heterosexual mind works. Its a mysterious cavern of stupidity and disgusting sexual acts.
Randomize
