please stop taking shits in my toilet and leaving them there.
Megan Fox is the only woman I would let pee on me.
I'm similar. She's the only woman I'd ask to pee on me.
Ok yeah you're right. I'd ASK Megan Fox to pee on me. I'd ALLOW Erin Andrews to pee on me if she asked.
So the waitress at the Chinese Buffet totally just said "Adios" to a Hispanic couple. There's something you don't see every day.
i just saw someone i know on True Life. i need new friends.
mom just made me 'sorry-you-have-hpv-pancakes'
You're just mad that I don't wanna have dugout sex with you
Using the only finger i can move, i calculated body mass, intake and time. It's mathematically impossible for me to still have this hangover at 9pm. I passed out at 8pm last night. Fuck vodka.
the bride at the wedding we just crashed said we can stay only if we strip for her. You need to get down here
I should rephrase... I'm trying to not sit on other peoples faces besides my boyfriends.
Sailor Jerry came over for the evening. It was a magical evening. I didn't even get puke in the house.
I mean, "boo" isn't the appropriate response to someone dying...
The dominatrix coworker is currently listening to pop music that has been translated into an Irish dialect and sung by high school kids. Every day gets weirder here.
Because cocaine and lesbian hookups on a Tuesday cannot be the new normal
I just matched the dude who's car I rear ended 2 years ago on tinder. I don't think he remembers.
I don't trust my subconscious. It sleeps with my exboyfriend sometimes.
Randomize
