I just found 3 condoms in my math textbook... in the probability section... Under dependent and independent events...
Apparently, I woke up in the middle of the night, got up out of bed, dropped trou in the corner, squatted, and pissed on the carpet. When Eric heard, he thought it was the dog and started yelling, and I responded by saying "No no, its okay. It's me."
i remember getting really pissed off when you wouldn't let me sleep in the garage with your cat.
Make sure you take the apple pie out of your pocket before you pass out.
I'm sorry you were dumb enough to get played by a male cheerleader
This hobo said he can't buy alcohol bc he got in trouble bc a girl sat on his face when he was passed out and misaligned his spine and gave him Alzheimer's so Ali is buying him a bottle. This is Vegas.
Not gonna make it. My ovaries are playing laser tag
I can control the tv with my phone while pooping on the second floor. I thought you should know for future reference
In the liquor store when a straight girl and a gay guy were just arguing about who hooked up with the same guy first.
I spent most of the stoned conversation with my dad proving to him that the Newfoundland is an actual dog and NOT a Snuffaluffagus-esque figment of my stoned imagination, while laughing over the fact there is actually a place caller Dildo, Canada. Have YOU taken time to be a good dad today?
I mean, except for the part where I was vomiting up pineapple and hot sauce, it was a really fun time.
You don't understand. My ass is the color of eggplant.
I say I'm working from home on conference call days, but really I just mute the phone, put that shit on speaker so I can hear what's going on, and let Marcus fuck my brains out.
I'm tryna think of an appropriate time to say "when I suck other dicks they seem like training dicks compared to yours" but I really can't think of a good way to say that
Well, if I'm gonna go gay, it's gonna be for NPH
Randomize
