if he's not good at sex i should be allowed to have sex with someone who is. that's a totally legit statement i think
remind me next year to leave the 19 year old girl at home when you're going to pride. total cock block
pretty sure i remember announcing that i lost my virginity to that brad paisley song when it came on during power hour?
why is it whenever you puke in the park there are always little kids on the swings?
They've started ranking girls from "paper-bag" to "I just came." Please come get me
I just washed champagne and tuna off my body. I feel like that was a successful shower.
A friday night jus isn't the same if the cops don't raid my dorm
You may have noticed the broken smoke detector and melted carpet. We may have accidentally lit a ping pong ball on fire...I'm sorry, but we did our best.
I want a picture of impoverished children wearing Oregon national champions shirts.
Yes, I feel sorry for the tribe that gets those. They won't be able to hide from the lions.
Crumbling up chips, putting them in salsa, eating with spoon. New level of stoner fatassery. Its so genius/delicous i'm not even ashamed
I didn't ride the struggle bus so much as drive it backwards off a cliff.
I drank too much tequila. I'm hyperventilating. Send help. I think I slipped through satan's asshole.
Do we have to do this party tonight? I'm worried my bed will miss me...
Is it sad or funny that I just bought two pregnancy test at the dollar store to give away to people on New Year's Eve while driving for Uber.
I guess I can check "drink alone in the dark" off my bucket list
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