Not only is chick snoring like a 48 year old man but she's farting in rhythm
Just did a line with a monopoly bill. Tell me I'm not fancy.
benefit of terrorism--they won't let you buy random one way plane tickets to random parts of the country for no reason nonmatter how high you are.
entire chemistry final was about beer... i actually might miss this place
i'm pretty sure i saw my life flash before my eyes when we ran a red light. i continued to drink and be the drunk backseat driver.
You wouldn't know anything about the tooth on ice in my freezer would you?
Don't be alarmed at the kitchen mess. I had to shoot the fire extinguisher on the toaster oven, one quick blast. It was a matter of safe over sorry.
She didn't need to know her brother was thrown out of a bar for getting head on the dance floor. You're a shit head.
You asked me if you could throw up in my shoe.
Even worse we were making a sex tape so our reaction to the condom breaking was recorded.
You shouted, "LOOK I'M HAWKEYE," and beaned mike with a dildo from across the room.
I AM NOT LOSING TO SOME FICTIONAL CROSSDRESSER
Today's hangover is brought to us by Sailor Jerry's and your dedication to my alcoholism.
Dry spell is over and now I’m drowning in a river of dick. The dam broke and now half the dicks in DC are trying get in my skirt
It’s a glorious dick miracle!
the voting booth dude cock blocked me or she woulda totally blown me in the voting booth.
Randomize
