I am coming home for anal
* a nap*
I woke up at 2 pm to my roommate checking my pulse.
That drug basically just makes anything that's in your mouth awesome
i think you broke pat's ankle when you drove over it... he's freaking out but on a more serious note i'm 99% sure i saw a werewolf
Best elective surgery ever. Having a great time ignoring girls' pleas to pull out and blowing it inside anyway. I like to watch them absolutely freak out and go batshit crazy for 20 mins before I mention the snip-snip surgery. Power trip.
Someone took a picture of their balls on my phone last night. BEAUTIFUL PACKAGE. I will find this man.
Wanna tell me why vodka seeped out of the memory foam when I climbed into my bed?
Always wear a seatbelt when giving road head. I think I'm just going to tell people I don't remember how I got the fat lip.
Carving a pumpkin in a gay bar at 2am. How did my life get to be this way.
I got whiskey, so I think the blizzard and I are at an even match
you and him went to the park at 2am to "catch a pigeon" and ACTUALLY CAME BACK WITH A PIGEON
You have no idea I looked like the porno version of Laura Ingalls Wilder
All I know is that I woke up with glitter all over me and blood on my shoes. It wasn't my blood.
MDMA IS GREAT AND YOU WERE THE WORST GIRLFRIEND EVER.
It's okay that we broke up and all but it's not okay that he still has my Chick-fil-A calendar card. This month is free fries!
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