She'll never know what hit her
I dunno. Girls tend to recognize ball-to-chin contact.
if i remember New Year's Eve then there is something seriously wrong.
Just found out that wake n bake is not one of the 7 habits of highly effective people..
I'm slowing backing away from her. I tried breaking up with her and it felt like I was clubbing baby seals.
There are empty beer cans all over and the go-kart is missing. I need it for my halloween costume.
I had to write an apology letter to security guards in the hotel so I didnt get kicked out
If you didn't damage your room so much from fucking so hard we would have got more of our security deposit back
I resent that
Also I legit had a girl at my bar crying tonight saying to her friend "why did he have to take his top off ?"
Because I can't get laid, I'm day-drinking and hunting squirrels in the backyard. You can take the girl out of Montana...
Haha! You know I mean that in a positive way. Like, "let them eat cake!" Or in our case, "let them achieve obesity from the two entree plate at Panda Express!"
I got married tonight..
I'd like to first of all congratulate you on your marriage. Secondly, probably one of the best drunk texts I've ever received. Unless you were sober, then that text was awkward.
I just read my D.A.R.E. essay from 5th grade. I'm having mixed feelings about my previous life choices right now.
What's that? Is there a bottle of Jack calling me? I think so...
I finally realized he drank way too much when he tried serenading me to the song "come my lady" while slowly and creepily making his way toward me...keeping constant eye contact.
Ok, as his sister I didn't tell you this but he's very familiar with pregnancy symptoms. So next time he calls you fat freak him the hell out by asking if your ankles look swollen.
Randomize
