I'm so fucking centered right now
I wish they had a home preganacy test, but for STDs
I just peeled a layer of cum off my eyelid. Don't even tell me that's not why you came over
They were going around the house breaking things and screaming "Not my house!"
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Dude, I'm importing a boy from Oklahoma for my divorce party. It's like doctors without borders, but with dicks.
Totalylr drunk. Coveredc in cryola marker. Loving it. Straight men everywhere. Don't be surprises when I'm pregbat romorrowwwww
As payment for all the times you have babysat me while im drunk, im giving you the shorts i stole from the guy i stayed with on friday night. They're clean. Come get em.
Remind me never to take that much Vicodin ever again. I laid in bed measuring my heart rate for an hour and a half because I was afraid it would stop.
The sigh of relief when u realize none of your drunk texts will result in permanent damage
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I started singing I believe I can fly in the shower and it was like the first stage of insanity
Someone should make a valentines day card that says "I like the way you continuously consume thc with no concept of a limit other than drug supply" Because I'd send that to you.
Btw, remind me to tell you about how I had to cancel my crazy wild sex plans with Will b/c my roommate came back from his trip after a day b/c Canada wouldn't let him in. Fucking cockblock.
Actually that's the whole story. You don't have to remind me.
Definitely accidentally brought drugs into Disneyland. Considering using them.
Alan said you can come over and eat me out anytime you want, as long as we give him enough notice to hide in the closet before we arrive
Apologies that our conversations always turn to butt sex or penis size. I thought we out grew that in our 20's.
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