At McDonald's last night the guy gave you the wrong kind of McFlurry, so you screamed at him, "YOU MCFUCKED UP."
Poopin on the sidewaaalllkkk. I wish my text told you that was a song
she was handing out condoms w/ her number on them...
They're watching TV in bed. The Golden Girls to be exact. Aaaand I just heard them singing along with the theme song. I love living with gays.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
We found them in a dumpster making out trying to get their privacy
Whales. Broccoli little trees giant. Magic in cat form. I want my loco and juice. Black in shower. Brb remember life.
You never cared about felonies while buying me alcohol from the little Asian woman across the street
Change the recording on your voicemail. He found your number and my ass print on the car hood.
What are your plans?
Get picked up. Convince you to leave work. Smoke. Drink. Fly helicopters.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Do you think I could get someone from tinder to drive me to the airport?
Didn't you used to babysit him?
18 years ago I helped him into his clothes. Today he helped me out of mine.
My neck is PURPLE. This is NOT a good day to be indoctrinated by the cardinal...
Woke up with a 6lb bucket of Redvines with a note that said "I'm sorry" care to explain?
You know you have a problem when your man yells at you that his penis is not your personal play toy.
Jack and I got in a huge fight at 6am. He fell asleep when I was giving him head so I freaked. We were both black out so I made a memo in my phone reminding me
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