Dogs love guiness but it fucks up their kidneys
Something growled at me in your dark backyard last nt. Hoping it was my landwalking laser sharks and not Andy.
He asked if I wanted to leave my bra on while we were doing it from behind bc he read somewhere that all that pounding can be painful for big breasts. THAT thoughtful.
I fell asleep with all the lights and heat on in the apartment with windows open, Earth Hour is lost on people like me.
Oh we're fine. I made her a "sorry I peed on you" omelet.
He left a trail of vomit straight from our dorm to the bathroom. Looks like we have our identities for the rest of the year.
They left me stranded on the side of the road with a table and five gallons of water. They said it was all I really needed to survive. People are staring
bring the dog... nobody goes to jail with a dog.
Just woke up from a dream where I had lesbian sex with myself (a clone of me)... Take that, Freud!
Guess who just made out with Sloth from The Goonies!
all i know is there's a picture on my phone of him wearing my purple sweatpants and licking the bottom of my foot.
"We hooked up and in the morning he emailed me his mix tape"
You know why I love being a regular at this bar? It's because at a certain point last call is only a suggestion.
After 3 parties, all of them busted, and 4 field sobriety tests, I AM the cop whisperer
it was a 'fall asleep on the bathroom floor after puking bc the cold tile is legit more comfortable than your bed' kind of night.
Randomize
