last nights makeup is better than no makeup at all.
today is like waiting for pizza day in elementary school, but with sex added
if you were to get worldwide popularity from playing guitar with a plastic yellow bat while drunk on YouTube, would you hate me?
There's guys at my school running around throwing potatoes shouting "remember the famine." makes me proud to be Irish.
He needs to realize that there's a big difference between "I love you" and "I love your dick"
I need to cry about outer space to someone. Can I call you?
Dude he's the best wing man ever. He starts creepin' on a woman, and she clings on to you out of fear.
I just learned a new drink. Sloppy Ninja. Half Saki Half Nyquil
The only way I can describe this shit is male aloe vera plant in both looks and feel its standing in the toilet
Thanks for that....my girlfriend picked up my phone and saw that
painting my nails while super high-drunk. Ended up painting my entire hands. Both.
You should make us a hot pocket to split while I go throw up.
He wasn't excited for the fifty shades of grey trailer, so I told him we're done
If I get laid tonight it will 1.) Prove that the sex gods do in fact exist, and 2.) Show that I am one motherfucking badass bitch.
He asked me who my new boyfriend was and I showed him a picture of my sex toys.
I think I puked in the middle of sex last night if that's any indication as to how drunk I was.
Randomize
