Tonight i am praying for god to turn my pussy into apple pie because i cant count the number of times bruce chooses food over sex.
I don't think he's ever woke up with a paraplegic stripper sitting on his face before.
Apparently getting drunk, buying a guitar from your local costco and walking in to an open mic night is not the same as rocking out to guitar hero...
I'm returning our mountain of beer cans, while wearing a Budweiser sweatshirt. i don't look like an alcoholic.
Hookers taste better with whip cream
Maybe we ought to get some pennicillin too
Fair enough
Dude idk, apparently telling two drunk chicks 'that's whats up' after watching them lick eachother's face wasn't the compliment they were looking for. I mean I was fucking hammered.
Wow.
wanna go with us to feed the ducks bread soaked in vodka?
how could i say no?
I was more concerned about the amount of mcdonalds fries on the floor around me than i was with my lack of clothes.
Breakfast=the leftover margarita in my car. Have a great day.
He purred while eating me out. HE PURRED AND I LIKED IT.
Holy. Crap. I just found a hickey on my bikini line. He never got my pants off. WHO IS THIS MYSTICAL HOOKUP WIZARD?
What do you want to swallow. Press 1 whiskey press 2 rum
It's 11:50 on Friday the 13th. There's a full moon. AND the bride to be just puked on herself while getting a lap dance from a stripper named...wait for it....LUCKY. Is this real life?
Nobody likes ball hair. Not even gay dudes
Please don't think I'm weird for texting you this at 12:08 am but I just found another picture on the Internet where I think you can see his dick through whatever he's wearing
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