Dear tim. Christina farted and it smells like kid roses.
When I'm drunk i like to pretend my penis is zeus and instead of peeing i'm throwing lightning bolts into the toilet...it helps me focus.
It's never good when you wake up covered with burns
Do I buy ice cream sandwiches or a 40? these are the difficult life decisions I am faced with.
What if we had a smart house and we could just say "baked" and it would rain donuts?
Hes still mad that I left the room mid-hookup to go get a pickle from the fridge.
My roommate didn't flush after her miscarriage. Time to drink myself blind. I need you for moral support. Or so I don't have to drunkenly cry alone anymore. Whatever, help.
It took me fifteen minutes to go from puking on my doorstep infront of my old lady neighbor to legit presentable person able to care for children. Bronzing powder and I deserve an award.
I found you walking along the street hammered. You walked up said hi and handed me a beer.
We were wearing togas. So having sex was really easy to do without taking any clothes off.
They had like literally all the dildos. It looked like a seance for dick. I left the apartment and haven't been back.
WHY didn't you stop me from ordering $900 worth of socks last night when I was very obviously judgement impaired at the time?!?!
They just made me take another shot and I found out the liquor store next to my brothers house has a petting zoo
Mind. Blown.
This is a hangover from hell. Delivered by the devil himself.
she's 6'2. you bet your ass i slept with her.
Randomize
