I'm watching harry potter...good thing I already know I'm gay
Awkward interaction of the day: Staring at some guy trying out if he is or is not the guy that woke me up yesterday by getting arrested in front of my apartment.
I just found him singing into an empty paper towel roll while microwaving an empty ice cream carton. I'm gonna run away now.
i have a wrist watched drawn on my wrist that it says shot o clock
Today the house voted to defund Planned Parenthood but to continue funding NASCAR. I fucking hate everything.
he slapped my stomach and proclaimed it a baby-free zone
You told me you loved me after I brushed your teeth with my index finger.
he might be the rich husband I pretend to love for the rest of my life!!!!
I forgot to tell you about my 7:30am Sunday morning run to the local convenience store to buy condoms, a du-rag and a shot glass
Dude I just came exactly at the crescendo of the Catalina wine mixer duet from step brothers.. Advance to next level.
I did coke with the Royal Navy last night. God save the queen.
I cannot lay down. I will throw up my life and your life and the class hamster I had in third grade.
They have beer where we have blood.
Dude, I danced with Abe Lincoln! How could last night have been any better???
Lucky bitch I'm at work covered in Jeff pee. And my hair smells like beer because I was trying to prove a point about PBR serving multiple purposes.
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