I wish my new phone didn't autocorrect so well. People will never experience the magic of my drunk texts because they think I'm making a coherent statement.
And to think..we used to do everything sober...
Howd you meet this guy?
I found him next to my pants on sunday morn.
Just read my long term horoscope. I'm not gonna get laid for another 2 years.
I officially lit my glove on fire while lighting the bong. Winter needs to end.
That dude you fucked three years ago just won Jeopardy
the outcome of this sandwich determines whether or not i do anything else with my day..
broke the door off of my fridge tryin to have a indoor rodeo
Nothing will ever prepare you for the moment when you are sitting on your friends bathroom floor with no pants on eating string cheese & pita at 2am.
I just made a cocktail. Had one shot of vodka left. It looked lonely so I decided to reunite it with its vodka friends in my bloodstream.
Starting the day at 1:44 in the afternoon. With a hot pocket and a mixer. Who knew my life had this kind of possibility.
I feel like a color. Like a wavy color
He invites me over too FucK and i wind up eating 6 jimboys tacos with his roommates. While he waited in his room. Maybe next time
Trust me.. Might look gay.. Might feel gay... But I could snap your neck with my inside thighs bro
The medical term is prolapsed anal walls if you want to look into it with dignity.
He went down on me while I was on the phone with my grandma.
Randomize
