Even My mom was ashamed of me bringing her home, she pulled me aside, and told me i can do better than, "butter faces"
they superglued a cigarette to my fingers...i think I need to quit smoking.
I found his Linkedin the day after he created it. Too stalkerish or just right?
I'm still me, I just happen to have things in my porn library that you may not have expected
Only you would come out as bi like that
May or may not have just put tequila in my special "kids+" orange juice fortified with vitamins a, b, c, d, e, and now t.
A warmed up burrito and jelly beans. The breakfast of champions.
When ur uncle gives you free weed, you take it
Free stuff before I even put his balls in my mouth like wow great start
I apparently tried to wax off my nipples.This explains the pain
When's the last time you had sex near some ducks?
I'm sorry I crashed your motorcycle and watched you get robbed from a rooftop. Will you please come back or at least drop off my shoes?
we promised ourselves we wouldn't get too drunk, and what happens? I wake up the next morning with half a mcdouble in one pocket and some barbie clothes in the other.
Oh! I forgot to tell you. Part of that weird ass dream last night. I was jamie lee curtis and I cut off all my hair because yogurt.
I don't know how I managed to chip the inside of my tooth w/ a turkey and cheeto sandwich, but I think that's what happened.
I'm sorry, a turkey and WHAT sandwich?!?!
Let the record show that I hate your ass.
Randomize
