I stood up and a chip flew out of my shirt and landed in the chip dish. I just walked away.
i love how i spend my mornings exploring my phone to see what i did last night.
I love my roommate; her alcohol problem, her proclivity for passing out on the living room couch, and her fucking awesome size d tits that can never remain clothed. Craigslist jackpot.
Apparently I joined a band last night. Definitely my favorite blackout.
That's why they call him "the cheesegrater".
I feel like if Miami and New Jersey fucked each other and produced a baby that would summarize the bar I'm in.
Next Halloween, remind me to find a different wingman. Walking out in your pirate costume talking like Captain Ahab while i was banging her and telling me I had to harpoon the white whale really pissed her off.
Sent him a snap chat of him eating me out so he can relive the moment.
holy shit I just remembered that story I told about Tom hanks going bowling while high.
Things that happen while I poop: I start dating someone
You would critique a dick pic. Damn art people.
She walked into the kitchen, said 'we've come to this time of the party,' reached into the bowl of cold spaghetti and shoved a handful in her mouth.
really enjoying the fact I don't remember how the staff party ended. feel like I need to shame drink today
feel at noon?
Best single mom victory - getting eaten out in my dodge caravan in the hospital parkade at midnight.Three words: screaming multiple orgasms.
it is time to test the effects of half a loaf of bread and overconfidence on the human body
Randomize
