I wish Michael J Fox could read me bedtime stories
He could rock you to sleep
well,he told me "i bet you five bucks that i can right cum on the mirror with my cum" i said alright do it, lets just say he's five bucks richer...
I would give my right arm to go back to college. Or maybe not. Would be kinda hard to pick up guys with one arm. Then again, knowin what I do now...I could take any freshman bithc with only one arm.
why isn't there a fb relationship option that says 'still banging my ex'
Transgendered man at work dawning a slutty batman costume. I hate Halloween
I woke up in a sink... Not like curled up on top of it though. I was standing, bent over, face first. IN THE DAMN SINK.
Every pair of shorts I try on makes me look like some kind of powerful lesbian wizard.
That is like, the point of shorts
I'm not a horrible person, I just see what everyone chooses to politely ignore.. And occasionally say it aloud whilst deeply intoxicated.
I'm using the house around the corner that my parents rent out to people as a means of getting sex. I just tell them I'm going for a walk and just invite my next hook up over
i woke up to you and that girl going out onto the balcony naked
oh sorry man.. we went outside because we DIDN'T want to wake you
I'm graduating college in 4 days. I already miss the bad decisions
I can't open my mouth wide enough to make full use of this snapchate update
going on fb and having 11 notifications all from you is absolutely horrifying
Can you please venmo me emergency money? i have no pants.
I may forget my underwear, but you can count on me for drugs and plan b
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