I can't believe I just compared my penis to a St. Bernard.
Just a heads up before you get home. Took the shelves out of the fridge so i could fit the beer ball and bucket of riot punch. Apparently i decided the stove was the best place to keep them. They got cooked when we pre heated to cook a bird we shot. This may be the final straw for our security deposit
Because of his penis, I can't even look at a hot dog
We won't have time to talk.. I'll be rolling you a blunt and you'll be getting naked.
I wish you were awake and high the same times I was awake and high. And also in the same state. So we can fuck passionately.
Typing up notes at the bar and doing shots with the bartender until close on a Wednesday. This is what my second year of law school has become.
My Midnight Kiss was a Big Mac.. Happy New Year
you're the third guy in less than 24 hours she fucked. I'm glad you lost your virginity just don't act like you climbed Mt. Everest.
How do you get kicked out of 3 different Subways in one night..
Not very gracefully, that's how.
You called his parrot a seagull, a pigeon and a rat with wings, and told it to go eat Cheetos out of a dumpster.
I wish so many great beards were not attached to even greater jerks. All that face sitting potential wasted. Some of the greatest tragedies of this century.
I'm sorry I keep drunk texting your boyfriend sports updates.
That's okay. He needs friends too.
A friendship for the ages born on how horny we both are
Last time he showed up for Christmas he went on and on about backpacking somewhere and getting ghonnorreah twice.
After we finish having sex, he smokes an honest to God pipe. It's like fucking a big, sexy Sherlock Holmes...
Randomize
