I don't think my ego could take a straight man out-cooking me.
At what point did I decide it would be a good idea to fill my contact case with vodka
How do you get a cum stain out of a trampoline?
VITAMINS IN VODKA. IM NOT LYING.
I said I was going to sleep an hour ago. Now I'm making plans to get high with the guy who mows your lawn.
her 18 year old son fed me pieces of a french roll like a pigeon, as I lay on the floor of the bathroom crying.
Goldenshlager is a hell of a drink. And these are the adventures ur missing out on w me. I gave someone a bath Emily. A BATH.
Awkward
Can't say I wouldn't let it happen again.
I jumped out of a moving car going sixty into my driveway because I had to shit so bad. It is not a good day today.
I found my spirit animal in the shower. It's a sloth/bear that lives in my chest.
Our relationship needs a sober moment
I'll call you when that happens
It wasn't exactly a dick pic. It was more like a body shot with a hint of wiener.
that was the most beautifully crafted sentence ive ever read that involved the phrase "genitals or whatever"
Well, why would you bring gelado into a strip club?
They gave me 4 meds at the health center and said not to take alcohol with any of them. Guess ill wait until tomorrow to feel better.
Thanks for making me a drunk burrito last night and cutting it into bite size pieces, I always knew you were a keeper.
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