Ew, dude I just walked in on my boss masturbating in the supply room at the restaurant. He didn't see me so I quickly shut the door and pretended like it didn't happen. And then literally five minutes later he came up to me and cupped my face with his hands and told me what a great employee I was. I got a promotion but I'm fucking scarred for life. I can't stop cringing.
someone, somewhere in austin has to have a muppet
I just hotboxed my laundry basket.
I woke up with a solved rubics cube in my purse
tried to order jimmy johns from the ER last night, the nurses did nottt approve
Drag queen told me that I have the cheek bones to do drag. That's supposed to boost my moral.
I think they were making kool-aid in my bed. There is lots of sugar and my hands and face are stained blue.
You went full blown lifeguard... You wouldn't let me sleep until I was in the safety position, so I wouldn't die in my sleep...
You asked me what the point was. Told me your were dying alone and then had me take you and Wendy's where you bought 3 meals and ate them in about 10 minutes saying you didn't care if you got fat...
Do you think the firemen will remember me?
Yes. But you were sloppy, sobbing, and puked on two of them. You won't get in their pants.
Everyone is like kids first day of school and I'm over here like I need to stop sleeping with random
Was it you I was with where I saw a guy open a beer with his butt?
Look, his dick is so good at being a dick that it makes me see God. And I don't even believe in God.
I was so drunk I asked my mom if she had always been my mom or if it was someone else for a while
Just bedazzled a flask, while drinking out of it. Hot glue is EVERYWHERE.
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