I should just wear a shirt that says "Im Sorry" on the front because the second we land in Vegas, I'm going to be a fuckin trainwreck.
Being back home for the summer opens up so many opportunities to have sex without increasing my number
I'm home and safer than post-menopausal sex; you're welcome for the image. And yes, I did just use a semi-colon hammered.
Yeah he gave the rest of the brownies to the bouncer that took his fake
she's living proof man. somebody has literally pissed in the gene pool
Want me to give your number to an army recruiter?
I don't know... do you want me to use your number to sell used gay porn on Craigslist?
I sense beginning a prank war would end badly for both of us.
You ass. You're not the one who bought me flowers, so obviously you will not be the recipient of the blow job of gratitude.
I know it basically makes me the worst feminist ever, but I don't want to kill my own spiders. And I will pay my personal spider hit man with sammiches and unlimited , uninhibited access to my vagina.
Remember that girl that we found passed out in the dorm study room under a pile of money and jimmy johns wrappers? She's standing right on front of me.
He hasn't texted me back since last week when we sexted. I think telling him I wanted to choke him with chains was a bit much for our first time.
Please don't judge me for my hormonal purchase, judge me for my awesome rack.
You started crawling towards a moving train. Maybe you should take it easy next time
Someone put pennies in the toilet. This isn't a fucking wishing well
i just found a lighter in my bra... from last night, and its 7:43pm...
You were yelling at a tree saying it should be in the forest..
Don't judge me.
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