I think my grandma died before she was convinced I was straight
i'm in his phone as sushi coochie
Remind me to tell you the Scottish bar story tomorrow
Remind me to tell you it was a shitty story when you're done telling it tomorrow
I'm getting drunk watching the disney channel. Is this a main reason why we aren't together anymore?
I think she kind of thinks she's better than us now ... please. I go to Michigan.
Drinking Grey Goose on the toilet. Don't make me graduate.
Judging that there's a photo of me getting head while sitting on a graveyard tombstone.....not good.
I just found a casserole dish in my oven filled with broken glass, blood, and chopsticks. And the REALLY fucked up thing is that finding it answered more questions than it raised.
What kind of gift says: "I love you because you're my mom & I'm obligated to, but I don't like you" ?
Let's just say we ended up at Denny's with a strippers shoe that we had to discreetly leave at the door to the strip club this morning
You called me your momma bear, and then demanded more vodka
I want to be tan and drunk. Is that too much to ask for?
So apparently my mom hired someone who goes by "DJ Dog Dick" for the family christmas party?
I just woke up in the closet wearing nothing but a Santa hat.
What were you even doing out there at 2 a.m.?
Look, i had a gallon of lemonade, a pack of smokes and a Darth Vader voice changer. What did you EXPECT me to do?
Randomize
