headbutted the bartender, tried to bite the bouncer, and pissed on a cops shoes. and i still got laid. god, it's good to be home
The stripper told me she had been working there for eight years, then got mad when I asked if she was trying to make it into mangment. Awkwardest lap dance
You told me you were allowed to keep eating butter because it had just passed midnight and you were on the next day's daily fat servings
I mean what are real friends for if they won't hold down your wedding dress to allow for a keg stand
What are your plans?
Get picked up. Convince you to leave work. Smoke. Drink. Fly helicopters.
Taco trucks are like ice cream trucks for drunk adults. They should have a mariachi tune they play super loud to bring people out of the bars for tacos.
So you are wearing a heart monitor while drinking?
Yea, they said carry on with my everyday activity.
Blacking out is all I've done this year and we're only 3 days in. Checkmate bitch.
Before you jump in that vagina remember there's a reason we call her Infectonator.
I threw up a lot of peanut butter last night.
Wait, cocaine is okay but tanning isn't?
I think all the guys I've fucked in my life would get along perfectly. They'd probably form an orchestra and travel the fucking world. That gives me the slightest feeling of consistency in life which is great.
It's the kinda thing that makes you wanna buy a rainbow flag and fight republicans and kiss girls
For someone I see at the bar by herself all the time... I should have know she had a tazer.
just saw two mice fucking on our bed...i think its time to find a new place to live
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