also I just used a straw to drink the juice out of a tomato b/c I forgot how to bite.
OMG HAIR ON HIS DICK. HAIR ON HIS DICK AS IN GROWING OUT OF HIS DICK. HAIR.
I've been alternating between telling people I was mauled by a bear or hit by a car to explain the massive unexplainable bruise on my leg. Slightly more worried now that the car idea is believable.
Oh god I think I promised some guy from high school that I'd be his fuck buddy in like 3 months
nothing worse than walking out of class after 3 hours and having covered exactly zero information
walking out with herpes. that would be worse
It was right before we played jenga with champagne glasses for a good half hour
I just tried to order ice cream on my bagel. I think I should just call it
I know I've never told you this before.. but Gyro sauce makes everything okay.
There was nowhere else for me to go. I'm like the island of misfit toys but I'm hot.
Too bad Amazon Prime wouldn't get the wine bra flask to you in time. Concealed alcohol and huge tits? Win-win.
Jesus fuck that was emotional whiplash
She puked off the side of the cruise ship onto a newlyweds balcony table and they watched it all happen then they made her clean it up
I'M GOING TO DIE ALONE WITHOUT ANYONE PRETENDING TO BE A MARRIED COUPLE WHILE DRUNK AT A MALL WITH ME
Just used a NyQuil cup to take a shot. This night is headed nowhere good.
He cut off part of his middle finger playing the knife game while singing The Knife Game Song at the top of his lungs. He also scream like a girl when his finger hit the floor and he realized he fucked up.
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