sleeping like a two year old who chased ambien with a bottle of whiskey.
did we hook up?
no, because you kept repeating "itty bitty titties" when i took off my shirt
After you pregamed and were plastered you saw the cop was parked illegally so you gave him a citizens arrest
before you smothered your pizza in mayo you blotted it with a napkin saying you were trying to watch your fat intake
He bought me a flower. He's totally getting head every day for a week.
You're going to have to buy me a lot of drinks before the bee suit goes on...
its official. the only way for my hair to look good is to blow somebody
Please never let me the drunk fat dancer in the bus girl
I remember it because it was right after the sadness and right before the sluttiness. The calm before the storm if you will
Can I interview you during sex or would that be weird?
If Anthony Weiner can get in trouble for sexting 2 or 3 girls I dunno how politicians will make it in 10 years.
Lol I would vote for a guy that is trying to be a senator that has a viral video of him motorboating a topless chick
Everyone is out there getting real jobs and I just realized I've been "washing" my clothes with fabric softener for two months.
I'm tripping pretty hard right now but every time a Volvo drives by I feel like everything is gonna be alright
just said thank you to the lady who gave me a body search at the airport
I think she lost me at about the point where the words “Ice Cream Enema” were spoken.
Randomize
