rubbing her clit was like playing thumb war
you took out flashcards at the bar and went around asking guys what totalitarianism meant.
Then he complimented me on how excellent I was at breathing through my nose
Even jesus won't love me after tonight. I'm going hard.
Is it bad that I see a party full of girls I know he has fucked as a challenge for me to be the one who ends up in his bed?
I have no idea. There are 6 asians singing hey soul sister to me right now.
Because I can't get laid, I'm day-drinking and hunting squirrels in the backyard. You can take the girl out of Montana...
So now I'm lying here in bed taking notes from Teen Mom... I fucked up
So I sent him a snap of me half naked holding a pie last night.
when a dude sends me an unwanted dick pic I just send him a picture of a nicer one. A more photogenic one. A dick with a future.
The groom's brother was an accomplishment. Then I remembered he was also the officiant. Check and check.
Mid-fucking he screams "YOU CAN'T VOTE FOR TRUMP"
Its a good night when you get to makeout with a cowboy
Why is there a business card for people who need bail bonds in my wallet...
What's a nice way of saying 'I wish I hadn't fucked you.'
Randomize
