Umm I'm too high to move.
im so horny i just used my electric toothbrush to masturbate. god help me
Theres a note on my antibiotics that says "Do not chew or crush. Swallow whole." I think that would be a good tattoo for just above my penis.
It's mornings like this that make me happy to have a clean pair of underwear in my purse.
after last night i think it would be a good idea if i wrote a will... you know, just in case.
she just announced that once she was paid to deep throat a light saber with a mint flavored condom on it. i'm speechless.
hey im home...im not sure how this mcdonalds got here but whatever im gonna eat it anyway.
The last thing I remember is him grabbing my ass and telling me he knew where the jello shots were, so I followed him.
Watching the gap toothed girl get more ass than me is almost devastating.
I definitely hasselhoffed a taco bell burrito on my kitchen floor in front of my dad and little brother.
That's the first time I've ever heard something that tickled both my gag reflex and my penis simultaneously.
The only thing I accomplished today was naming the bag of wine I've been drinking
You had sex with a mute, how is that not funny
I told you being able to play expert on guitar hero would get us laid one day
I'm torn between wanting to wear lipstick and wanting to make out with strangers.
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