Memo to self- delete texts about butt sex from you before giving my mom my old phone to use.
I just rolled a spliff on a dora the explorer tv tray. Preschool education meet afterschool special.
Mr. Last Night just informed me I told him to be very quiet when he left this morning and high-fived him as a goodnight kiss. Drunk me is slutty and manly.
my phone vibrated itself into my puke bucket and literally sizzled. you'll have to reach me at this number for a while.
I just made a moltov cocktail out of lubricant and a christmas bulb. The fire is still going strong. MERRY CHRISTMAS
just walked past a girl in her cap and gown puking her brains out beside a tree. her friends were taking pictures of her.
So I guess I passed out face first on the ground while trying to grill last night
Keep in mind that he's 43, unemployed and living with his parents. There's really not much we could do to make his life worse.
Somehow ed fucked carrie while purposely not saying a single word to her all night. He just nodded and smiled.
Would it have been easier if he talked to her?
Yeah, but i bet him he couldn't do it. Now he gets a free taco bell combo of his choosing.
Considering adding a large amount of vodka to my tomato cup-a-soup at work. Save me.
I love that my idea of a romantic gesture to you is to send you a picture of my vomit saying "wish you were here". You voluntarily dated me. For six years ish.
I'd go lesbian for $50 and a good phone case.
Hey I'm sorry for head butting you last night. Personally I thought it was funny at the time, but I can see how from your perspective it may not have been as enjoyable for you... Hope your lip is okay.
I sent my roommate a text from MY phone that said, "I don't know where my phone is." Must've been a good night.
we tried to make a drinking game out of 4 pokemon cards you found in a drawer.
Randomize
