you know your drunk when 7 soccer players cant catch up to a tranny in high heels who just stole your wallet
Just met a girl...She is complaining why on facebook you can't have more then one "open relationship"
I dont know how i feel about her from a moral standpoint...
Anyways, i'm off to play with a rubber dick and a ouija board with two other girls...
We name dropped you at the liquor store and got a ten percent discount!
You were fucking on a porch at a party, not much privacy should be expected
First time on E and Chris took me to a petsmart during puppy day. I might die of pure awesomeness.
Holding a cold bottle of mikes hard lemonade against my pulverized taint....this is my Sunday night
Jesus Christ that hit just spoke to so many levels of my soul. It's caressing them softly
Why even have a ground level apt if you're not gonna let me climb out the window? I hate walk of shaming in front of toddlers...
I cried while dry heaving in the back of the car to the New York song with jay z in it. I was singing it inbetween gags.
He just brought a live lobster to the party.
MY MOM WALKED IN WHILE I WAS EATING THEM OUT AND STARTED ASKING US ABOUT THE PROJECT RUNWAY EPISODE WE WERE WATCHING EARLIER
There is a man in my bed with "new zealand" tattooed on his back. Wtf happened last night?
Our sex from this weekend should be engraved into a plaque or commemorated somehow. It was fucking amazing.
I get so sad when I watch him slowly destroy his life with whiskey and cocaine. Then he bites my neck and I just want to fuck him. I can't help it.
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