Dude, I just rear-ended a cab
Are you drunk?
A little...yes
Run!
Terrible brother advice.
Omg. If Ina Garten Makes roast chicken one more time im going to strangle her with her white button down
Nevermine. I'm just going to tell you on Myspace with a glitter graphic.
we were so high last night we were cutting bread with my iphone
A few things for you to consider: 1. Drunk enough that I'm looking up the dictionary definition of Wish. 2. Dictionary.com has new features. 3. Windows is offering me 500 business cards for 5 bucks. 4. I've always wanted a card that says I'm a ninja
did you seriously make the punch out of vodka and food coloring
Fat girl left in a hurry. Possibly had to do with the missing bathroom door in my apartment.
his blanket is still in the back seat of my car, its like a constant reminder of his small penis
She won't let me open the car door while we are on the highway so I can throw up outside. She deserves to have her car thrown up in.
He was visibly upset that you'd rather eat nachos than have sex with him.
When we were texting for those few weeks, I some how established a crush on you. And its weird and wild and stupid and silly. But these things just have to be said sometimes to determine what's real and what is infatuation. And to suffer the consequences of five am drunk philosophy. No regrets.
His encouragement of my recreational drug use is the backbone of our nonrelationship. That, and rough animal sex and loud music.
He's like a hurricane
a drunk, sexist, hurricane
I just did a bump with my mom so I’d sober up for Black Friday shopping
So then I got so stoned I sat and took my pulse for 10 minutes.
Randomize
