when i say i joined a midget dating site why do u assume i was drunk
Skipped a towel and decided to spit the cum into his face. I now owe him new contacts.
Theres just something about looking at pictures of your dick in church that doesn't feel right
toilet paper cling ons are not as adorable as the little red cub makes them look on the charmin commercials.
Is it obsessive that I keep picking my crazy sex rug burn scab so it leaves a scar I can remember him by?
chimney cleaner pole that expands when button is pushed then pull out. Remember that. We have to patent it.
Who are you high with right now?
I was too sleepy and drunk to verbally annihilate anyone and ruin their reason for being. So i just opted to sleep with the fitted sheet on the floor
The drug dealer had chickens in his house so I know it was good stuff.
I just had to take my laptop away from him because he was on Amazon and had 20 Seahawks garden gnomes in his cart.
Well I can't be held accountable to know every which time you slid a finger here or slid a finger there. I'm way too busy getting close to climaxing to document these things.
We can't shop at Hobby Lobby anymore. They don't like Plan B which basically runs through our veins.
We were watchin sharknado and we hooked up while I had the Donald Trump shirt on. She said she felt like he was staring at her
I just realized I haven't looked at our horoscopes lately. If mine says anything about tweakers, I'm burning my phone.
Oh shit oh shit oh shit.
BURN THE PHONE.
how do do this?
do what? Keep standing? Choose between 2 guys?
keep making boys cry?
What the hell was that?
Genius. It was sheer genius.
Randomize
