god i wish i could take a shit and a shower at the same time
God. I'm so broke I don't even have a dollar to snort my adderall through.
i just found an uncooked ramen noodle in my underwear
You were passed out on the chair and when I asked you if you were okay you looked up and said "I'm fine, I was just pretending for a picture" then passed out again.
Just wondering did you put mouse traps and brownies on my porch?
Last time I went to flagstaff I threw up in my beard. I would very much like to recreate that moment.
Yeah i'd say someone being in the room while you're doing someone makes them eligible for fb friendship
People have been asking me if I'm going to the reunion lately. It occurs to me that everyone wants me there to feel that much better about themselves.
And it was in that moment when I realized that these high schoolers looked up to me and that I should set a good example. So I stole a casserole and left.
do you think your dog feels awkward being in the background of your nudes?
Just reintroduced tequila back into my life...so that's happening
YAS SHES BACK AND BETTER THAN EVER
So, i might have left my morals back in 2011.
He's watching Always Sunny and eating refried beans straight from the can.
there is glitter all over my balls
The expiration date on my 40 is the same day as my 21st birthday
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