she's like "i'm so proud of u" ... and then i threw up on myself
I an trashes at a wedding. Hotbcousins here I come. Agh.
You were parading around the bar chugging girls drinks and then asking them if you could buy them a drink. It was actually genius
I'm buying eyelash glue, salt, and limes. We know how tonight is ending.
i was on the fence about his sexual orientation until he referred to his marlboro loghts as "carrie bradshaws"
I'll be honest with you, my dick was out at that point in time.
I just opened my filing cabinet at work for the first time in months. It looks just like my pantry: nothing but peanut butter and whiskey.
I just wrote "where Jason is" on the screen. He guessed "hospital" correctly.
I convinced every single one of my cousins to bring me a glass of wine. I was the alcoholic queen and they were my subjects.
Look at all the pictures I have of us sucking on jello syringes.
It's a sexual break up. We maintain a friendship and leave any and all sexual attraction out. It's not hard, having a baby is harder than that.
I think he's only dating me for my ass...
I can't believe I haven't fucked an Elvis impersonator yet.
I think I had sex with a seagull last night. The window is open and there a feathers everywhere.
Sorry for face licking, I probably won't do it again.
Also, I love cats. I sat on the floor and they sat with me.
Randomize
