I miss you like a fat girl misses the prom.
do you remember what downloading porn with a 14k modem was like?
I feel like if your cat could talk she would call me a cunt.
My mom is giving me a "don't tape yourself during sex" talk. It's going to be a long car ride.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I wish there was a lawn mower version of Roomba so I could just drink and cheer it on from the stoop.
i really should have bought real food rather than condoms, olives, coleslaw and beer...
Post-sex chicken soup was such a good idea. It's been like an hour and I'm still applauding myself
I need you to stand in the corner and ref this threesome. Wear stripes.
Sorry the STD update turned into an attempt at a bootycall, but at least we both know we're clean now
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
It's the building I live in, they were lucky I was wearing clothes at all
I know it was your bday but bringing a airhorn and blowing it yelling "buy me a fucking shot" in the bartenders face was a little uncalled for
I just spilled my beer on a five year old. She's crying but I can promise you I'm more upset.
this whole "benign brain tumor" is truly a blessing in disguise. I almost want to start bringing MRIs to the bar because sympathy pussy is flowing like the nile
Just watched my first Christmas porn of the year. Def have the spirit now
i love discovering the tokens of our drunkenness from the night before. it's like easter egg hunting. today: smashed pizza rolls in the sink.
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