I'm at a Mexican Walmart. Wish you were here.
I'm at the bar with Ashley what should I do?
humiliate her
She can't keep using her latex allergy as an excuse to go bareback with everyone.
imagine if we didn have a dick. we would be so much more productive
... was I dreaming when we did coke off of the xbox, or did that really happen?
These headphones make me feel like I'm sitting on John Mayers lap and he's singing just to me. I picture like a pitch black room with a single spotlight on us. Also, convinced Kyle to give me percocet soo.
It feels like eating ice cream while riding a unicorn over a rainbow waterfall made of glitter.
That is possibly the gayest thing that was ever thought of by anyone anywhere.
No memories of receiving this. Or of getting home. Or of apparently developing a taste for marmalade, which I assume is yours because I have literally never eaten it before. It's all over the kitchen. And my phone. And in my hair. Oh god I wish I wasn't on the train to work. X And sorry about the kitchen x
In the pie chart of my life, she is a huge part of why I drink.
as your best friend, I hope we never outgrow 'I Just Got Laid' texts
I just need you to appreciate that this is the first time I've ever been cut off and it's at an airport bar in Philly before 1 o'clock in the afternoon.
I'm happy I peed in your laundry basket last night
Will you remind me I changed my hotspot phone password to fuckyouprivilegedwhitedude
Hooked up with another cop last night. Think I am renaming my vagina "dispatch"
But he said I was unpatriotic for not having sex with him. What was I suppose to say to that?
Randomize
