it's a shame restraining orders have to come between me and my relationships
I can't believe we just used the phrase "jizz to juice ratio" in casual conversation.
he built a boat made of joints. holyyy shit
Only you would think wine and coffee was an acceptable finals study time mix
Just so you know there's a random man downstairs knocking on a door with a dozen roses and a 30 pack of beer. Unattractive or not, I'm inviting him in.
Definitely Got caught hugging a strangers tree last night with 5 others.
I think that's the key to being an adult though... Get those rapid fire beer shits out I the way early, then you can go about your grown man business
Some lady old enough to be our mom took us home, made me eggs and he still got some. Where do I claim my best wingman/sister trophy?
I guess crabs is what I get for sleeping with my ex.
i turned around and there he was, right in my face. i was mid deep throat of a hot dog that i was eating with my hands and no bun. you win FSU, you win.
One of my interns found me on Grindr. I'm really gonna make him earn the absurd amount of money I pay him.
If you fuck up my birthday by dying I will kick your fucking corpse.
You should probably come home from vacation now. I make badddd decisions when you're gone.
Met the hot new neighbor. She's into country music and giving really good bjs. Latter made up for the former.
If u could sum last night up in one word?
omgwtfpineapple
Randomize
