the "happy anniversary" cake for my mom and dad is about to turn into the "yeah, that's a hickey, welcome back from italy" cake.
I'll start drinking again when I know where I am
Fist pumping is hard when country music is playing FYI but I am committed
She was so drunk yelling at me in my driveway to fuck her. It was the ghetto version of Romeo and Juliet.
Oh right she's pregnant - that's why all of her statuses have been uber depressing
i cant text you anymore tonight, God gave me two hands for two cups
We are going to be Siegfried and Roy for Halloween and you are going to be the tiger.
Also I legit had a girl at my bar crying tonight saying to her friend "why did he have to take his top off ?"
I just pictured my inhibition personified as little pink piggies with wings flying off into the great wide nowhere hahaha
"DO YOU LIKE FLYING KITES" WORKED AS A PICKUP LINE. SUCK IT.
Can you please explain to me why there are 7 bags of tacos in my bed?
So my booty call knows your bf. Apparently they were in jail together
We had sex on the bear rug. He said "you, me and the bear. This is bear-idise"
I emptied a Vyvance capsule into my coffee pot last night and set the auto start. Pretty sure I've been drinking meth all morning
Well the good news of being walked in on, my mom says your tits are pretty. Then she added that hers were like that once. Fml
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