I miss you like a fat girl misses the prom.
even in my darkest moments, having another person eat my jizz would make me smile
He bought me a flower. He's totally getting head every day for a week.
you cant keep talent like that locked up in a relationship
One good thing about being a mom now, I can tell which guys I'm dating were breastfed and which weren't... By the way they latch on to my breast during sex! Kinda kills the mood.
No, i will not have sex with him again. It felt like he was trying to bulldoze his way through me. My vagina is on strike.
No no don't get confused. We do chemistry homework on Thursdays. We screw on Fridays. Other than that, Words With Friends is our only communication five days a week. We are NOT dating.
We should probably feel disgusted that we took turns eating and drunkenly passing around a burrito the size of a small dog but i’m ok with it.
I'm in my onesie attempting to spoon-feed myself cold soup. I'm playing freeze tag with my hangover. My hangover's winning.
Considering all of my stomach contents ended up in my center console, I'm a bit peckish.
I love everything about him! His penis, his hair, his tattoos, his penis, his cat, his penis.
if jesus wore shoes made out of pure flavor and hurricane kicked u in the face thats how it feels to eat pizza bites right now
i found 4 slices of pizza in my toaster, and a can of unopened soup in my blender.. wtf?
He made a group chat with him, his wife, & I. Is this really life!??
They stopped fighting to partake in M&Ms and porn.
Randomize
