party was madd awkward.. it was like every person who i sat next to in high school and never said hi to was there
She was so drunk that I kept trying to switch out her wine for water. Sort of like Jesus, but in reverse.
Threw a lawn chair at the neighboors dog. I think I killed him. Come here and assess this
Just saw a porn entitled "Nad Biter". Redheads are now forever out of the picture.
i feel like i am carryihg a baby. a baby made of alcohol.
I'm. Arresyed bur sierra ue obbe of mt vet friends. I hope we can tyajk ane gwt ob the same page. Ur aweaome ttyl.
"Douchebag of the Year" award goes to the guy who didn't reply to the picture of my tits.
I ate pizza in bed, sans pants, and then carved a pumpkin. FUNCTIONING ADULT MOTHERFUCKERS!
Omg one of the midgets from last night just added me to Facebook.
What's more sad than going to Target to buy Plan B and the new Sam Smith album?
so this maintenance guy stood at the corner of my cubical and scratched his balls for like a full minute cause he thought no one could see him
I better get weekly incoherent text messages or I will assume something is wrong.
Wearing panties to a party gives you a whole new perspective on life.
My conscious state is steadily increasing towards drunkenness.
Jenna is yelling bc of the condom wrappers and cum stains. This is the 3rd and last time you have sex in my roommates bed.
Randomize
