i dont know you, but i just did a line with your business card.
This last weekend single handedly took me off the liver transplant list
i woke up to my roommate spraying cooking spray on my legs. fourth time this has happened. not cool.
my boss said she was surprised to see me this morning. i told her there's a time in a girls life she has to give up day drinking in order to make money for next weekend's alcohol. she looked so proud, i think i might get a raise.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
for future reference: anal bleach BEFORE boozing
He just "revenge puked" on her kid. I think we'll be leaving soon.
Ummm I just broke my no puke streak at church
If you hit me with your dick and make light saber noises we are breaking up. I don't care if it's your birthday, you are not a sex Jedi.
So is singing the star wars theme as I put the condom on off limits?
But yesterday I literally met half his family buzzed wearing a cheeta print bathing suit super short shorts and a tiny tank top.. I was like awesome
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My brother just text me asking if I was ready for the blowjob of my life.
Then he kissed my hand sensually and said "you're a Black Queen. Don't let anyone tell you different."
According to my snapchat story, I tore a fake wig off a security guard and ran away with it.
I was too lazy to get my chapstick out of my purse so i lubed up my lips with pizza grease. On a scale of 1-10 how embarassed should i be?
I guess you know it was a good night when you find your ripped underwear in your pocket, and a nerf bullet falls out of your pant leg 😂😂
Just an fyi, you also tried to wrangle a peacock last night.
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