i'm pretty confident that i watched a woman making love to a german shepherd.
sitting in my room eating a boneless rib tv dinner, and listening to taylor swift's love story, and i sharted. had to finish the ribs and hear the end of the song before i went to the bathroom to wipe.
so i used to love airports for the escalators... now its the bars... then the escalators after the bars
you were holding her hair as she threw up saying "I'm going to be a great doctor" repeatedly.
Haha im about to meet my shrink &i have so much shit to tell him i made an outline
I think I just puked all over my comforter and my roomdmate won't wakt up to washc it for me
the realtor just asked me if i've ever made meth on this property.... i need to do something about my hair
... They left for 10 minutes and came back with a lobster he's in the toilet downstairs
Just cause I'm shitfaced wasted every night waking up in random beds all over Manhattan does not mean I'm a mess.
Truth. Respect the hustle.
He's gonna be like you slept with too many of my friends and you're being voted off the island haha
If my life today were a movie the subtitle would be: Revenge of the Beer Shits
"Because this is an ongoing legal matter" is how his morning after sex text began. So...
Cat needed to get out last night. Walking to the door was too much effort so I encouraged (pushed) him to leave via window.
Isn't your room on the second floor?
In other news I was masturbating last night and came really fucking hard to the thought of yelling at a customer....
I Projectile vomited a massive question mark on Brent's bedroom wall. Don't tell him it was me. I want him to play the whodunit game.
Randomize
