Hi, I just found this phone under my seat at a brewers game and seeing as you're entered in as 'fillllatio' I figured I'd ask you if you know the illiterate ass who owns this phone. Thanks :)
my favorite part of the night was when I was in the bathroom frantically trying to get my cat whiskers and nose off to make hooking up less awkward
my wrists were so small for the handcuffs, i could slip them off and hand the tow truck driver my keys....
Drinks appeared in front of me. Who am I to deny destiny? And by destiny, I mean free drinks, which appear by magic.
You'd be amazed at how difficult it is to find pics of the helicopter dick
I am very proud of your internet skills
There was a tour on campus today, and there were two girls i went to high school with in the group. They saw me and ran up to me as i was unlocking my door. when i opened it, kate was laying in a pile of glitter and beer cans. We need to reevaluate.
My fuck buddy is great and all, but it gets weird when she gets in arguments with her BF in the driveway
He just whispered "doors are weird" and then laughed so hard he fell down the stairs.
Omg yes! I just found a random muffin! Don't question it. Just praise the miracle.
Would it be weird if I bought knee pads and shin guards to fuck in my car?
I have in my possession one ukulele shaped package.
Do not buy a prego test at the Walgreens you frequent. It's awkward. Just trust me.
So I "accidentally" brought my road beers into church for this wedding
And they fell out of my pocket on the pew. Made quite a noise...safe to say I'm batting a thousand
There were no words. I got in his car, took my pants off, threw my shirt out the window, and got things started. After we were done I collected my clothes, gave him a kiss, and crept back into my house.
You're like the sex ninja. How doesn't he love you?!
That ass isn’t going to eat itself.
Randomize
