Just woke up in bed, AC on high, with a fresh pack of smokes, an unopened pint of vodka, and a bag w a beef patty w cheese in it. I think my roommate's like the toothfairy or something. Or that was way more Xanax than I needed.
you thought your tounge was "malfunctioning" because every time u spoke it wouldnt sit still.
i used the pictures of vaginas in your biology book to jack off.
Chasing tequila with honey. Ill let you know how it turns out.
I'm still tasting pancake mix. I think this may actually be a serious medical problem...
Happiness is the polar opposite of catching your dad watching holiday themed porn
Is it true if I say your name three times, you'll appear and whore everything up?
He puked in the voicemail. That's a true friend right there.
I whipped my shit out and she just stared at it with a mean face. It was like a face off in a heavyweight boxing fight.
When I said I wanted you to make noise during sex, I didn't mean mocking ones.
what i'd really like is a nice helping of naked boyfriend with a side of naked boyfriend.
She said she is going to be sex-slave version of Princess Leia for halloween. You think there is any way I could pull off an attractive Jabba suit?
I think I'm actually too depressed to do drugs, wow.
ETA 20 minutes and if you greet me at the door with a gin & tonic I’ll give you head.
Just found a handle of Tito's in my TV stand
Can't recall when I put that there, but let's goooo
Randomize
