My right nipple has been called many things but never a ghost pig
WTF. you left me with no condoms and you ate all my mac and cheese. scumbag.
he gave me an orgasm. multiple times. the weird stuff he did in middle school is now irrelevant.
i feel like my eyelids need a kick stand.
We really need to check into harvesting part of our liver now
We don't have a ruler. Come downstairs and lay in the snow with a boner so we can see how much snow we've gotten. Put your 8 inches to a less shameful use.
She's going to get me a sippy cup for christmas. If I can't open it, I can't have any more to drink. Seem reasonable?
I've carried my liver for over 24 years. If it can't carry me for the next 24 hours than it deserves to be damaged.
I should just black out in my front yard again- that was a great nights sleep.
I feel like getting drunk at the airport is sort of a rite of passage into adulthood, but maybe i should reserve that occasion for a flight thats not just 1 hr
But, if I start dating you brother, I can't talk to you about the sex anymore!! Like... Can we talk about it anonymously?! I just won't use his name.
To be fair I went my whole first week without showing up to work drunk!
I really don't know how I went from having a few drinks to waging war against ghosts in my apartment but here we are
We're lying on the pavement outside of the college. No one has asked if we're okay. I think they all understand.
the awesomest thing about staying behind in our lame ass dorm room by myself during spring break: I've now nutted in 3 inconspicuous locations on your side of the room. brag to me again about how fucking awesome tahoe is you shithead. I dare you.
Randomize
